It’s Done in Business, Why Not With Children?

It has occurred to me that the parents I work with do not have a clear goal in mind for their child. I was doing some planning for a family I work with and asking myself what I could do to really help this family. “What am I doing that I haven’t done before?” I asked myself. I started thinking of a conversation I had the previous night with my mother and became aware that where some families may need help is so basic and so common a question that we regularly step right over it. Like many things that are simple and common, they are just as easy to overlook and live without. Many parents, like many business people, are going into a huge daunting project without a goal. I mean a really clear goal that has many specifics to it. For example, what you want for your child when he/she is an adult. Are you going for independency, normalcy, social integration, or improved behavior? What are the large and long term goals?

Every parent I meet already has goals, so I don’t mean to call people goalless. They all want what is best for their child. They all want their children to do better. They all want an easier life for themselves and their child. They all want their children to live happy, healthy, and independent lives. The only difference is, they have not committed to any one goal. They haven’t made a choice to what is most important and crucial to them. They also haven’t become clear as to what they intend to do to achieve their goals.

Just like the millionaires tell will tell middle and lower class people, we haven’t gotten clear on what it is we want. Obviously we can all make millions of dollars, the people who do it, especially today, are mostly just ordinary people. They don’t have a high IQ, they don’t have to come from a wealthy background. There are really no rules or patterns where we could logically say, “yeah, see, that’s not me.” There are teenagers becoming rich all the time through the internet, so the few rules we could claim have been shattered in the last decade.


We also have the parents out there who have been extremely successful with their child. We read about them or see them on TV. They have brought their child out of autism, completely mainstreamed their child, or their child has severe autism and no speech and is running a business while supervising staff. What do we do? We tell ourselves, “that’s not my child, my child is different and that kind of success in not available to him.”

What are we ultimately doing in this situation? We are being a victim, a giant victim. In being a victim we are looking for ANY reason to be unsuccessful. Under this equation we will find something, some reason to validate ourselves. We DECIDE to become a victim because this remains as a very effective way to not feel emotional pain. The emotional pain and guilt that comes with facing our lack of success.

Read on only if you want to do something about it! You can also do this with your mainstream children too, before posting this; I did for my two boys. I learned a lot and came away with several great ideas.

1. Answer 4 questions:
a. What is the most important and crucial thing that you want for your child or children that could summarize everything else?
b. Where do you want to see your child as an adult?
c. What are 3 to 5 specific details on each time?
d. What are 3 to 5 things you can act on right now to begin meeting your goals?

Microsoft Word Template to be printed out and filled out for this exercise

Understanding Your Child’s Control Issues to Break Through Barriers

Everything comes down to control! Trust me; this will explain every issue you come in contact with. The simple word of control can explain so much if we understand how it evolves as we challenge and use it. Children on the spectrum have enormous issues with control in many different ways. From potty training to obsessive behavior, control is always an issue. Success comes down to the ability to drop control. The people that can adapt to the world around them, coping with constant changes, disappointments, and unpredictable events are able to live successful and independent lives by simply dropping control.

As your child drops control he/she will always push back again to give their system another try. Think of it as the rhythm of dropping control, even though your child lets go, he/she will still make another attempt, making it look like it's coming back, when it's only part of the process of letting go. This is the very thing that takes a simple challenge and complicates it. A child pushing back it the very reason why parents feel unsuccessful and often give up. So to really confuse you, this avoidance is a valuable part of growth and flexibility, if you stick it out. You as the parent, feel like you are on a roller coaster with alternating growth and feelings of being stuck. Successes tend to hide under the surface and then pop up all of the sudden.

Parents often ask me for a new strategy because of the level of frustration they have experienced in the past. Although I have hundreds of specific strategies, I often recommend repeating a strategy longer. This is due to one simple problem in a very simple equation. If you consistently give up before your child does, this pattern becomes cemented.


What to do

1.Write down four challenges your child has.

2.Write down what your child is attempting to control. Example would be with Aspeger’s Syndrome, your child would be controlling his/her state of vulnerability (safety) by not approaching other children socially. An example with autism, would be your child is controlling his/her environment and the predictability of it by remaining locked into the same object for long periods of time.

3. Write down what would be the slightest degree of dropping control for your child. Example, increased interaction by one minute, increased community tolerance by one new store, increased independency by putting on one more article of clothing without help, or handling challenging noise either one minute longer or one step closer to the source of the noise.

You now have four extremely clear and concise goals and have transitioned from the vague state of, “I wish this was easier.”

4.Now that you have created a place for child to get to, hold that place as strong as you can, and put five times the energy you every have into it. Make it certain in your mind that it is impossible to go backwards.

5.You might be wondering at this moment, “okay I understand the concept of being strong, but what am I doing exactly?” I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. If you are feeling strong and certain, how would what your strategy and the steps to follow look?

I also encourage you, the reader, to read my article, “Knowledge Comes Second to Persistence” you will learn through reading and using these concepts that knowledge and strategy ALWAYS COME SECOND TO YOUR STATE OF MIND!!!!!

The Core Ingredient to Creating Growth in Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome

Quite often, in my work with the parents, it is difficult to understand the magnitude of the effort and complexity of children’s avoidance to change. Children will do just about anything, as I have witnessed, to avoid changing. It’s not just about behaving and making good choices, it’s about change of any sort. Children are not only very clever, but are far more clever than they are usually given credit for.

Sometimes we can support this dysfunctional system by meeting the children in what they are doing versus what we would like them to do. We usually do this by trying to change the child instead of providing opportunities for the child to change. Before we know it, all of our time and energy is going to the behavior we are hoping to eliminate and this ultimately reinforces the behavior we are hoping will change. We can either do this by our words or our actions. From my experience with children on the spectrum, they are looking for this equation and find it extremely useful to further avoid growing. This way of coping is not conscious or unlike what the rest of us do when we are asked to change, but children on the spectrum are extremely talented at using this against us.

If the majority of our program happens during the child’s difficult moments, the child learns that this is the best way to get attention and control. It is imperative to have the majority of your time and energy invested into what you would like to happen as opposed to what is happening and what is the frustration. This is as simple to get past as it is as simple to be stuck in. Examples of existing and expected behavior include, hitting vs. communicating, repetitive behavior vs. growth or tantrums vs. flexibility.

A simple chart I have designed to rate yourself and concretely learn how to shift your energy towards growth appears below.
Once you have listed these opposing goals, ask yourself which side is getting more energy. Energy includes time, talking, arguing, redirecting or thought. Circle the one that is more, if they are almost equal circle both. Continue to do this every day until you see a change. Remember to be honest with yourself, you are trying to grow not make yourself look good. It’s not time to give yourself credit and have a self-support group.

Refusal to try something new
Example
1. Refusal to go into a new store
2. Refusal to use a toy in a different way
3. Refusal to use language

Flexibility and willingness to try something new
Example
1. Ability to try new environment
2. Ability to play in a new way
3. Ability to make approximation of language

Online Resources for Autism Spectrum Disorders

Join me at twitter.com/andrewvogl as I pull answers and statements from my current work with parents around Connecticut.
Feel free to ask questions of your own.

Introduction to Program for Autism Spectrum Disorders

My name is Andrew Vogl, I have been working with families of children with autism, ,Asperger’s Syndrome, and related diagnoses for the last fifteen years. I strive to bring a new, eclectic and simplified method of treatment for autism spectrum disorders. I have worked in and consulted with many different facets of this field from home based programs to various school based programs. I continue to bring new ideas into my program by my own research. My goal is to empower parents to use these simple strategies in the most effective way possible and to continue to bring together the many different approaches I have studied, into one comprehensive program.
In my counseling business I have experience with all ages and all levels of severity of the spectrum. I have spent a great deal of time individualizing my program and approach to meet both different and similar needs of the children and adults I have worked with.
This resource is meant to address one of my biggest frustrations I come across in my work, parents feeling like they have to wait for the right information to begin helping their child. I continually meet parents who believe they must wait for someone to tell them what to do, simply because they are not professionals.
My philosophy is to stay simple. I believe we over complicate many strategies with children on the spectrum and make it into something much more than it is. I continually attend meetings costing hundreds of dollars with little being accomplished. I am sometimes called a doer and always appreciate being called this because I try to create immediate changes.
This program is about doing something now! Your child is right in front of you, what are you waiting for? Half the things I teach parents, they already thought but spend far too much time doubting themselves and preventing their ideas from being used. What I am saying is, the need for educating ourselves first, comes from our emotional limitations not from a need to know something. This is not to say that strategies aren’t important, because I will eventually get into very specific strategies. All I am saying is there is an excessive dependency on STRATEGIES!

Adapting to limitations With Autism Spectrum Disorders

Much of my work is based on reminding parents that they have adapted to and gotten used to the difficulties their children are exhibiting. This happens to everybody in many different ways and parents of ASD children are no exception. From the time your child is diagnosed or even the time you start noticing your child isn’t developing normally, you begin building layers of fear like layers of brick. Within those layers is an acceptance. Unfortunately this is typically not the empowering kind of acceptance but the limiting one. The limiting one is the one that sends a constant message saying, “just give up” or “if you keep trying you will only make you and your child more miserable.” These constant messages of self doubt along with continual frustrating episodes cause one to begin coping in a defeating way. Since attempting new things in life is always more difficult than not attempting anything, you can imagine what trying to change your child’s difficult behavior does to your coping system. Our coping system is there for us to be able to handle and overcome difficult situations. My work with parents is largely about peeling away these layers, otherwise they become more difficult than the autism itself.

To get proactive and begin the ability to make immediate changes, I have made a three part assignment for parents or professionals to begin to dissect these events and move beyond them while supporting a child to grow out of them. Follow this list as closely as you can and find examples that bring up a lot of thought, something you can grow from if you choose to explore it.

1. Make a list of three difficult behaviors your child exhibits that you have adapted to. Some examples I’ve taken from parents that I counsel and have worked with are, “my child refuses to go into certain stores when he’s with me”, “my child refuses to take interest in anything new” “my child refuses to shower or dress herself.”

2. Once you’ve come up with the list, attach the difficult reactions your child demonstrates to keep his/her behavior from changing. For example, shutting down, throwing tantrums, hitting, or vomiting. Remember, children don’t want to change any more than you do!

3. Now write down what the feeling is this brings out in you. This is extremely important, because our discomfort with our emotions can make us do anything, helpful or not.

4. The last thing to do is to put down what this feeling causes you to do. Does it make you stronger, weaker, madder, or quieter? Does it cause you to give up or become stuck in the interaction? Does it cause you to never want to challenge this behavior again?

To clarify, you are giving yourself the opportunity to gradually shift from helping your child in the short run to helping your child in the long run. Why is this so crucial? In the short run it is easier to fall into focusing on your own anxiety, fear, and frustration instead of helping your child. Although it is imperative to understand your own emotions, it is equally important to be at ease with them instead of impulsively trying to extinguish them.

Knowledge Comes Second to Persistence

Most people think that knowledge is the most important thing when figuring out how to help their child. They read several books on understanding autism or Asperger’s Syndrome and are often left not knowing what to do. Persistence is the hardest topic to overcome when helping your child because of the amount of factors involved that will attempt to persuade you out of it. This is by far, more important than all of the other strategies you will learn. This is the very thing that will make or break your program because not only will you be left with nothing, but so many things parents do is actually effective but simply needs more time. Sometimes it’s not a matter of changing what you are working on, but merely changing a small detail of the strategy.

We all remember the most famous story of persistence in the field of special needs, a story that was not based on knowledge, expertise, or any sort of professional experience, the story of Helen Keller and her teacher, Annie Sullivan. There is one reason she was so successful with Helen, she was okay with her being upset.

The minute we begin a program for our child, we are desperately looking for any reason for it not to work. This is subconscious and very much human nature and happens because we are attempting to do something we are uncomfortable with and are not used to. This is our brain’s way of coping and keeping us comfortable, moving us away from discomfort.

Get key concepts and questions through twitter

www.twitter.com/andrewvogl

Decide Who You Are

Decide Who You Are

My name is Andrew Vogl, I have been working with families of children with autism, ,Asperger’s Syndrome, and PDD NOS for the last fifteen years. I have begun writing about my program and the approaches I teach parents in my daily work around Connecticut. This program is designed to help all ages and only differs in specifics when the age varies.

It is important to decide if you are going to help your child. This doesn’t mean that you won't be able to receive help, but the core of what is imperative in taking the necessary actions in creating changes previously perceived as impossible. I am always extremely excited to teach this concept because I see it as the very thing that allows parents to create instant growth. In my mind, there shouldn't be any waiting involved in helping your child.

This program is not about excluding professionals; it’s merely about not waiting for them. I’ve met so many parents that continually tell themselves they don’t know what to do, they are not professional and therefore they can’t do anything. Meanwhile they end up waiting months or years for help while their child continues to cement the behavior and disconnectedness that they are most concerned about.

So many places for testing or treatment have waiting lists or may not fit what you are looking for to begin with. This is about taking action immediately. My life goal is to give parents something they can listen to or read and walk right in and begin doing something that will be helpful to their child.

Although I study many different modalities, one thing I have learned is that helping kids on the spectrum is not nearly as complicated as we think. It is time to get started, and declare you are going to help your child. Once you've done that, get started by simply learning everything about your child you can. Spend time listening to your child, playing with your child, or observing and learning about what your child is doing. When you are done make a schedule of how you are going to do this on a daily or weekly schedule. Check back for future articles or workshops that will provide more in-depth and specific explanations of what to do. Feel free to ask questions about your child by posting comments to this article.


Andrew Vogl