Adapting to limitations With Autism Spectrum Disorders

Much of my work is based on reminding parents that they have adapted to and gotten used to the difficulties their children are exhibiting. This happens to everybody in many different ways and parents of ASD children are no exception. From the time your child is diagnosed or even the time you start noticing your child isn’t developing normally, you begin building layers of fear like layers of brick. Within those layers is an acceptance. Unfortunately this is typically not the empowering kind of acceptance but the limiting one. The limiting one is the one that sends a constant message saying, “just give up” or “if you keep trying you will only make you and your child more miserable.” These constant messages of self doubt along with continual frustrating episodes cause one to begin coping in a defeating way. Since attempting new things in life is always more difficult than not attempting anything, you can imagine what trying to change your child’s difficult behavior does to your coping system. Our coping system is there for us to be able to handle and overcome difficult situations. My work with parents is largely about peeling away these layers, otherwise they become more difficult than the autism itself.

To get proactive and begin the ability to make immediate changes, I have made a three part assignment for parents or professionals to begin to dissect these events and move beyond them while supporting a child to grow out of them. Follow this list as closely as you can and find examples that bring up a lot of thought, something you can grow from if you choose to explore it.

1. Make a list of three difficult behaviors your child exhibits that you have adapted to. Some examples I’ve taken from parents that I counsel and have worked with are, “my child refuses to go into certain stores when he’s with me”, “my child refuses to take interest in anything new” “my child refuses to shower or dress herself.”

2. Once you’ve come up with the list, attach the difficult reactions your child demonstrates to keep his/her behavior from changing. For example, shutting down, throwing tantrums, hitting, or vomiting. Remember, children don’t want to change any more than you do!

3. Now write down what the feeling is this brings out in you. This is extremely important, because our discomfort with our emotions can make us do anything, helpful or not.

4. The last thing to do is to put down what this feeling causes you to do. Does it make you stronger, weaker, madder, or quieter? Does it cause you to give up or become stuck in the interaction? Does it cause you to never want to challenge this behavior again?

To clarify, you are giving yourself the opportunity to gradually shift from helping your child in the short run to helping your child in the long run. Why is this so crucial? In the short run it is easier to fall into focusing on your own anxiety, fear, and frustration instead of helping your child. Although it is imperative to understand your own emotions, it is equally important to be at ease with them instead of impulsively trying to extinguish them.